Who am I

This Aiken experience has been much different then my past Aiken trips. I have gotten a chance to really reflect on my personal and professional goals and accomplishments.
My time spent working with Mr. Stephen Bradley has as usual proved to be beyond amazing.

My whole adult life has been spent driven by two thoughts.
"Where am I going"
And
"How do I get there".
Well where I want to go, is to the advanced level and how I have spent my time trying to get there is .....by any means necessary.
This has proven to be a roller coaster ride for myself, Dave, Maggie and my horses.
Last year was a good year. Probably one of the biggest years of growth for me in my own riding.
This spring I came to Aiken with a plan. I had a goal, a road and Beast was my ride there.
Beast is super fit, Beast is super sound and Beast has taken me to my goal. I can say with complete confidence that I am riding at the Advanced level.
Pine Top was going to be my chance to prove how far I had come to everyone.
Then it rained. Then I scratched. Then I realized something after being incredibly cranky for two days.
No one gives a shit about it but me. I don't have to prove anything to anyone but myself.

So where do I go now? My whole spring was based on Pine Top.

I started a train of thought that seemed to spiral to a lot of different areas. Money, time, my daughter, my husband, my horses, my students. There are so many factors.

I suppose what my goals come down to,for me, professionally is to be the best rider and instructor I can be.
I also want very much to be an excellent horsemen.

Beast is complicated. She is wild and insecure. She is my greatest teacher. She is outraged by the thought of holding a connection. She loves cross country and worries a bit in stadium. She spooks at silly things. She regularly kicks the vet when sedated. She is one of my greatest loves and she is probably not going to be competitive at the advanced level this year because of  dressage and the intense pressure involved at that level. These things are all facts that I must sort through. The pressure that I would have to put on this horse to do what I want to do is not fair. It could change, but right now I must honor my crazy chestnut mare. She is fifteen and loves competing. She can skip around intermediate cross country like a walk in the park. I will probably skip a spring CCI and focus on polishing the basics. I'm going to make my students a priority and work my patootie off with Ava.
Ava has all the parts to be competitive at the upper levels and hopefully I will get a chance to experience that with her next year.

Instead of buying a nervous break down I think we are going to buy some chickens and do a giant vegetable garden at home. I'm going to work with Vanessa, Stephen and Sharon as much as possible. I'm going to spread the knowledge and light that these folks give me and I'm going to do right by my horses.
I'm going to breathe and know that by this summer Ava will hopefully be going Prelim and prepping for a fall CIC.
I'm going to go where I'm suppose to go and just trust I'm in the right place.
I am currently happy. My horses are currently happy, I'm moving towards my goals and I'm doing nothing harmful to get there.
I believe in myself and my program and that is a good feeling.
Aiken this year has been a good experience..... Except for the not showering when we lost power. That part really was awful.