My name is Mary.

I am permanently 22.

That is the age that I will be forever on the inside. Not 31.

I did nothing yesterday. I did not enjoy the amazing weather. I enjoyed my couch, Maggie, a bag of UTZ sour cream and onion and a lot of other food.

I like to obsess about my horses until my head spins and my tummy hurts.

Right now my main obsession is the lump that appears on Callie's thyroid .....or maybe it is just her thyroid.

My vet doesn't seem alarmed, neither did the vet that was at the farm that looked at it for me.

I am trying to convince myself that this is not all a conspiracy against me and Callie.

I love Callie.

Everything about Callie is wonderful....even her objections.

When Callie gets in deep to the fence or when I make a mistake, she just takes over and fixes it. Despite what my body may do.(Or my legs not do)

Beast does this cross country, but in show jumping she responds to my every move, breath, muscle tension.

You may see me at the events this year singing out loud in showjumping. Then I may not freeze when I don't like where I am at to the fence.

I think my song will be "I'm bringing sexy back".

That song played by accident in my yoga class on Tuesday. It made me feel gleeful with hilarity.

Delightful.

Anyways, Callie's current lump is something tangible that I can poke at.

I suppose the worrier in me likes objects that move and that I can feel. It is more solid then just the splinter in my mind that may not (usually isn't) reality.

I am not sure what this blog post is. Maybe I will know at the end of it....maybe not.

I need to force myself to have days like yesterday more often. I had not had a day with out horses for a few weeks before that.

I generally operate on a level 8 or 9 (1 being calm 10 being.....not) and that can get exhausting. I want to learn to come down to a 3 or 4 occasionally. (Dave exists as a 2 maybe a 3 when he is upset. I love him).

I also really like alone time. A lot of alone time.

I have started my "Mind Gym" book again.

I love this freakin book. For those of you who don't know what it is, it is a sports psychology book.

It is awesome, I think Sharon White was the one who recommended it.

I can't wait to get to Aiken and ride with Stephen obsessively.

All the pieces are coming together, but sometimes I have the piece in the right place but at the wrong angle.

It really is no different then watching Maggie put together a puzzle. A new puzzle that is more difficult takes some time. She needs a little help, and someone to help her not get frustrated. Then she can do it on her own like its nobody's business.

Beast is my puzzle. Her flat work has come so far I am not really worried about it. I just have to keep working and she will always have consistent obedient tests.

Stephen has ridden Beast while I was pregnant so he knows what she is like in the show jumping.

A bundle of this and that with a brain a mile a second, sensitivity, distraction, and an insane and eager need to please.

Jimmy was right when he said that I will be ready for her when I am done with her.

All though this is bitter sweet, this little red mare really is teaching me so much about everything.

She is a horse that pushes me out of my comfort zone yes physically, but also mentally.

She is a horse that shows me every day that only I know what I am feeling from her and TO TRUST THAT.

I choose to believe with abandon and blind faith that this horse will be my first advanced horse. I know this to be true because she already is.

She already does everything that an Advanced horse does. She is my greatest teacher and for that I am thankful.

Back to chores for now. Scruffy really wants me to vacuum so she can bite at the vacuum and make me want to break her neck.